CHILD CUSTODY AND PARENTING TIME
NJSA 9:2-4 c provides,
In determining a custody arrangement that is in the best interests of the child(ren) the Court should consider, but not be limited to, the following factors: the parents' ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child; the parents' willingness to accept custody and any history of unwillingness to allow parenting time not based on substantiated abuse; the interaction and relationship of the child with its parents and siblings; the history of domestic violence, if any; the safety of the child and the safety of either parent from physical abuse by the other parent; the preference of the child when of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent decision; the needs of the child; the stability of the home environment offered; the quality and continuity of the child's education; the fitness of the parents; the geographical proximity of the parents' homes; the extent and quality of the time spent with the child prior to or subsequent to the separation; the parents' employment responsibilities; and the age and number of the children. A parent shall not be deemed unfit unless the parents' conduct has a substantial adverse effect on the child.
The court, for good cause and upon its own motion, may appoint a guardian ad litem or an attorney or both to represent the minor child's interests. The court shall have the authority to award a counsel fee to the guardian ad litem and the attorney and to assess that cost between the parties to the litigation.
LEGAL CUSTODY- It is standard for the Courts to award Joint legal custody, except in unusual or extreme cases. Theoretically, that means that each parent has equal legal authority and should be consulted on issues concerning health, education, and general welfare of the child(ren).
Parent of Primary residence (PPR) aka Primary Caretaker, aka Primary residential custody is where the child(ren) lives the majority of the time, more than 50% of overnights.
Parent of Alternate Residence (PAR) aka Secondary Caretaker is the “visiting parent”.
The traditional schedule was alternate weekends from Friday to Sunday and 1-2 nights/week for “dinner” visitation.
Some parents elect to share 50-50 custody with neither parent designated as PPR. In those cases, the parents have to live in close proximity, and it should be designated where the children will be attending school.
The Courts views have shifted over the years regarding the types of schedules most beneficial to children and the weight given to the roles assumed during the marriage.
Most parenting time schedules tend to fall somewhere between a traditional schedule and a true 50/50.
Unless the parties have an agreement as to parenting time, the Court will have the parties meet with a custody/parenting time mediator. If the parties are still not able to agree, they will likely need a custody/parenting time evaluation or “best interest” evaluation. I prefer agreeing to a joint or court appointed expert because a qualified expert should not be a “hired gun” and should be focusing on the best interests of the child(ren) regardless of who is paying his/her retainer. Moreover, these evaluations are very, very time consuming and expensive. They are emotionally draining for all involved. If the parties have limited means and/or there is no question of parental fitness, the parties may try to utilize a streamlined Custody Neutral Assessment to obtain recommendations to help resolve these issues.
If there are allegations of drug or alcohol abuse, a party may need to request a risk assessment and/or screens.
If there are issues of abuse and/or neglect, DCPP should be called. Some counties make these records available to the Court(Judge) while it is nearly impossible to get these records in other counties. These records will never be released to the parties.
Holidays/Recesses-
Most counties have a proposed holiday schedule but the parties should address same and think about if splitting or alternating holidays/recesses make sense for them, and if certain holidays are more meaningful to one parent over the other i.e. different religions, traditions, etc. (I like when Friday and Monday holidays attach to the weekend of the parent that has the child(ren)). Most children have some difficulty or discomfort with a lot of back and forth or transitioning.
The parties should address a time share for school recesses and summer vacation. The parties should be cognizant of the children’s ages and needs.
Usually the PAR does pick up and drop off but the parents can share this responsibility.
My 2 cents-
I have seen parents get into tug of wars. I have seen and gotten calls if a parent is 15 minutes late, or if the parties are to split recesses and the same party always takes the extra night/day. I know it gets difficult when you always feel like the other side is being unreasonable, petty, and/or not complying, BUT TRY TO FOCUS ON THE CHILD(REN). As long as you provide a loving, secure, environment for them, are available to them, and make it OK for them (by not complaining to them or demeaning the other parent), an extra day or few hours or a missed call just doesn’t matter. It is more about your relationship with the child, and minimizing the controversy and hostility for the child(ren). If a party is blatantly, repeatedly violating a parenting schedule or not showing up, it may be necessary to call the police, file incident reports, file an enforcement application to the Court, or file for a change of custody or make up time, costs, fees, etc.
Each party should keep calendars, text messages, emails, etc.
Phone Contact/Video call- Each parent should have REASONABLE unhampered contact with his/her child(ren) while in the custody of the other parent. This sometimes causes huge issues and the Courts may have the parties keep their phone records to evidence calls or missed calls. USE COMMON SENSE. An occasional missed call is understandable. If it is not late, a return call is courteous. A bedtime call should not go on and on and interfere with bedtime. A PPR should not be calling and texting the child(ren) incessantly when with the other parent to undermine authority and interfere with the other’s parenting time and the children should be encouraged to limit contact with the PPR and enjoy the time with the other parent.
Sometimes parties need family counseling to help them move on or use a mediator to try to resolve disputes.
Courts are not good at enforcing parenting time issues. It turns into a he said/she said and “Don’t do that” because by the time you get into Court and before the Judge, the situation probably already passed.
Use of a Parent Coordinator- If I have a high conflict situation where it appears a party is being unreasonable, controlling, or uncompromising, and for some reason do not seem to realize his/her behavior because of some unresolved anger or issue (i.e. adultery), I sometimes try to build in the Agreement that either Parent can elect to retain a parent coordinator with the parties equally paying for same. I do not like to utilize a parent coordinator or Guardian Ad Litem because it is another expense, but sometimes it helps make people reasonable, or it will cost money. Also, while a mediator will try to help facilitate an agreement, the communications with a mediator are confidential. A Guardian or parent coordinator can make recommendations and report to the Judge. Parties may behave or be more reasonable if they are aware the PC can write recommendations to the Court.
A short story-
One day when I was sitting in court and waiting for my motion to be reached, I witnessed 2 attorneys zealously and aggressively arguing for their clients over a child. As the attorneys argued it became apparent that the child had commit suicide and the parents were each blaming the other. Why? What was the point? They already lost everything!
PUT YOUR CHILD(REN) FIRST. IT IS NOT ABOUT WINNING. If you provide a loving, safe, secure, nurturing environment for your child(ren), free of hostility, anger, and controversy, raise good humans, and have good relationships with your children as you and they get older, YOU WON! It is better and healthier for the children to have a relationship with each parent.
If you are having difficulty with your relationship with your child, always remember that YOU ARE THE PARENT. Even if the child is not behaving nicely, will not see you, will not communicate, is being fresh, etc. I know it is beyond frustrating, but consistently reach out, call, text, send cards, drive by to ask them to dinner, etc. Ask them to go for therapy with you. Eventually, it usually improves, if not today, next week, next month, or next year. Don’t give up. Keep going back for more. It is your child. Many children go through stages where they are fresh or disrespectful in unified households as well, so it makes sense that it would be even worse in divorce situations.
